My Mom Died

My mom died on Friday, January 19, 2018. She was only 69 years old. She would have been 70 next month on the 8^th of February.  I am trying to type this and not cry.  I have cried a lot the past couple of days. More than I thought possible.  When I am home safe, I find moments of calm, but when I go out I see simple, unimportant things, and I fall apart.  Peanut butter did me in, mom loved peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I still have two big jars of both. Trying to buy coffee creamer, and I start crying in the store. There is always a BOGO for creamer. I would get one for me and one for her. There are so many things I would share with her, and so much more I didn’t get to share.  It isn’t fun anymore to decorate my house.  That was her joy. She was great at it.  Growing up, every time she stayed home, my brother and I knew we would come home from school and the place would look completely different. She re-arranged her room weekly it seemed.  Mornings are hard.  I am used to seeing her slip out of room to make a cup of coffee, then she would go sit by the window, and read her bible. I keep looking for her on my patio.  My tree out front still has Christmas lights on it. She put them there. I do not have it in me to remove them, so they will forever be there.  My mom and I had lived together for about eight years now. I saw her every day.  We had tension though after we moved into new house. It was very stressful. I kept wanting to do things my way, but she, being mom, always had to chime in and try to tell me to do it her way. It was generally a good idea, I just wished I had been more of an adult in her mind. I felt like she still thought of me as a kid.  I’m not even sure what happened, but she got mad on November 29^th, 2017 and instead of biting tongue I got upset too. I told her if she didn’t like living with me she could leave.  I never ever believed she would. She did though. Within 24 hours she was gone. She packed up her stuff and flew to Reno to live with my brother.  I drove her to airport, and dropped her off. No hug goodbye, she just got out and walked away.  I cried all the way home.  It was calmer in my house, but empty. I missed her so much.  She missed my birthday. She never called me, and stupid stupid me never called her.  I was so so stupid.  I was afraid if I called she would ask to come back, and I wasn’t ready for that yet. I thought we just needed a break from each other. She spent all of December living with my brother. She was having a good time, but not totally.  In January she went to Tucson to stay with my Uncle Jimmie.  From what they tell me, she was very happy there.  She made friends, she was going out doing things, she had discovered hiking. People keep telling me she was very happy.  I hope so.  I have to believe that. I never got to ask her. She never spoke to me after November 30^th.  I know the date because it have one 15 second voicemail telling me she had arrived safely in Reno.  That is all I have left. I always thought she would come back. It never occurred to me she wouldn’t.  She was so healthy. Never had been in hospital. On no medications, she did everything right.  So when my brother called, it didn’t make sense.  It still doesn’t. I cannot believe she is gone. She touched so many areas of my life, that everything hurts now. It hurts to go on patio, because she loved to sit out there. It hurts to go into her room. It hurts to get in car, because I never really went places without her.  I am not really sure how to function. I think I am fine, then boom, I am not. I miss her so much. I wish I could tell her I am sorry. I wish I could tell her I love her. I wish I could ask her to come back home.  So many things I wish for, and none of them possible. She was an amazing woman. She loved traveling, she loved her family, she loved going to new places. She loved adventure.  Most of all she loved Jesus, so I have to believe she is happy now. There was no place on Earth she wanted to be, she wanted to be in Heaven, and now she is there. I try to picture her there, living in a gorgeous house of the beach, with an awesome view of the ocean. That is what I try and picture. Not working right now. Right now just hurts. Is a gorgeous day outside. She would be antsy to go out in it just walking. Maybe I will try that. Ok maybe I will force that. Only alternative is crying, and that needs to stop. I miss you mommy, I miss you so much. I love you and will always love you.