Sunday, January 21, 2018

My Mom Died

My mom died on Friday, January 19, 2018. She was only 69 years old. She would have been 70 next month on the 8th of February.  I am trying to type this and not cry.  I have cried a lot the past couple of days. More than I thought possible.  When I am home safe, I find moments of calm, but when I go out I see simple, unimportant things, and I fall apart.  Peanut butter did me in, mom loved peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I still have two big jars of both. Trying to buy coffee creamer, and I start crying in the store. There is always a BOGO for creamer. I would get one for me and one for her. There are so many things I would share with her, and so much more I didn’t get to share.  It isn’t fun anymore to decorate my house.  That was her joy. She was great at it.  Growing up, every time she stayed home, my brother and I knew we would come home from school and the place would look completely different. She re-arranged her room weekly it seemed.  Mornings are hard.  I am used to seeing her slip out of room to make a cup of coffee, then she would go sit by the window, and read her bible. I keep looking for her on my patio.  My tree out front still has Christmas lights on it. She put them there. I do not have it in me to remove them, so they will forever be there.  My mom and I had lived together for about eight years now. I saw her every day.  We had tension though after we moved into new house. It was very stressful. I kept wanting to do things my way, but she, being mom, always had to chime in and try to tell me to do it her way. It was generally a good idea, I just wished I had been more of an adult in her mind. I felt like she still thought of me as a kid.  I’m not even sure what happened, but she got mad on November 29th, 2017 and instead of biting tongue I got upset too. I told her if she didn’t like living with me she could leave.  I never ever believed she would. She did though. Within 24 hours she was gone. She packed up her stuff and flew to Reno to live with my brother.  I drove her to airport, and dropped her off. No hug goodbye, she just got out and walked away.  I cried all the way home.  It was calmer in my house, but empty. I missed her so much.  She missed my birthday. She never called me, and stupid stupid me never called her.  I was so so stupid.  I was afraid if I called she would ask to come back, and I wasn’t ready for that yet. I thought we just needed a break from each other. She spent all of December living with my brother. She was having a good time, but not totally.  In January she went to Tucson to stay with my Uncle Jimmie.  From what they tell me, she was very happy there.  She made friends, she was going out doing things, she had discovered hiking. People keep telling me she was very happy.  I hope so.  I have to believe that. I never got to ask her. She never spoke to me after November 30th.  I know the date because it have one 15 second voicemail telling me she had arrived safely in Reno.  That is all I have left. I always thought she would come back. It never occurred to me she wouldn’t.  She was so healthy. Never had been in hospital. On no medications, she did everything right.  So when my brother called, it didn’t make sense.  It still doesn’t. I cannot believe she is gone. She touched so many areas of my life, that everything hurts now. It hurts to go on patio, because she loved to sit out there. It hurts to go into her room. It hurts to get in car, because I never really went places without her.  I am not really sure how to function. I think I am fine, then boom, I am not. I miss her so much. I wish I could tell her I am sorry. I wish I could tell her I love her. I wish I could ask her to come back home.  So many things I wish for, and none of them possible. She was an amazing woman. She loved traveling, she loved her family, she loved going to new places. She loved adventure.  Most of all she loved Jesus, so I have to believe she is happy now. There was no place on Earth she wanted to be, she wanted to be in Heaven, and now she is there. I try to picture her there, living in a gorgeous house of the beach, with an awesome view of the ocean. That is what I try and picture. Not working right now. Right now just hurts. Is a gorgeous day outside. She would be antsy to go out in it just walking. Maybe I will try that. Ok maybe I will force that. Only alternative is crying, and that needs to stop. I miss you mommy, I miss you so much. I love you and will always love you. 

Thursday, January 11, 2018

Crazy Cat Lady in Training

          So since I got this house I have been wanting to get a dog. I have found a few, but something always got in the way. Usually I would find them Thursday night, and since could not get until Monday I would miss out. I also am still having issues getting the fence up. People cannot seem to do their jobs properly.  I signed all the paperwork Dec 19th, but company did not submit it until 29th. I called yesterday and found out the HOA had it sitting on their desk and had not been submitted to board yet. I was ready to bang head. At this point now I am looking at February before it goes up. OK enough with the venting. Anyway no puppy yet.  Kids though still wanted a new pet to play with. My son it a total cat lover so he convinced my daughter she wanted another cat LOL then they teamed up against me. So last weekend I said they could go to Petco's adoption event sponsored by Spay the Strays with specific instructions.  They were to go look at cats, find a fluffy female kitty, who liked to cuddle up on laps. They were just to take pictures and notes about cats, then bring those home to me so I could chose, and then go back on Sunday to get the one I picked. So fluffy, cuddly girl kitty was what I agreed to. Saturday I wake up to them coming home with a cat. It is an adorable, sleek, male cat, who I cannot catch LOL the only part of my instructions they got right was they went to Petco. I cannot believe those volunteers told my kids he was a cuddler LOL. His original name was Guppy, but my daughter renamed him Jumanji because he is so wild.  The first night the cats would have nothing to do with him. Thankfully the place is big enough that they all had their own space.  Second day there was testing of each other, a few hisses and growls, but that is all. By the third day all was ok, they had learned to live together. Now the boys ganging up on me. Tonight I tried to close door to patio, but just in nick of time Jumanji dashes outside. I go to get him and the other boy cat, Commander, runs out.
Finally he sleeps
          I grab him, and out comes Jumanji again LOL I had to call in reinforcements to help me catch them both so I could close up the house and set alarm for the night. Is funny, the new kitty is very vocal. They other two were always quiet. Now all three vocal. The best thing about the new kitty is he is bonding to my daughter which is driving son crazy. He is usually the one cats gravitate to. Staci loves that Jumanji seems to like to cuddle up with her occasionally. He will follow her room to room too. Dynamics over here have shifted a bit, the girl cat, Midnight, tends to stick by my son's side, Jumanji follows Staci, and Commander is currently cuddled up by me as I type. So it all worked out :)

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Welcome 2018

I can't believe it has almost been a year since my last post. I think I stopped mainly because I started writing for others and not myself.  It became more about how many hits I got, than enjoyable for me. So this year I am just going to write what I want. No sharing it on Facebook. It seemed all that sight wanted was Disney posts LOL While I love Disney, I didn't want that to be all this was about. OK so 2017 was definitely a big year of change.
It was very stressful because of one majorly huge purchase. I bought a house :) It was purchased as a spur of the moment impulse.  I was driving home and saw the sign, so decided to turn in.  There I met Alex who showed me the gorgeous model homes, and somehow convinced me I needed a house. He said if I signed that day, I got a prime $5000 lot for free and a $6000 credit to use at the design studio for upgrades.
No chance for me to think it through, and talk myself out of it, so I just went for it. LOL oh boy did the stress start piling on after that.  It seemed as if anything that could go wrong, did go wrong. The house I wanted was not available, I had to get the most expensive model. 
The color scheme I wanted was already taken, and good grief upgrades were expensive.  The financing was a nightmare. It seemed as if every time I thought I had all the paperwork together, they needed something else. The finance department could not seem to wrap their head around the fact that I did not work in December or January by choice. They kept asking me how I got paid. They didn't get concept of I used my savings.
Then my company would not cooperate in telling them yes I had job, even though I had paychecks to prove it.  I never really knew what was going on with the financing.  They kept me in limbo all the way until one month before the house was finished.  I honestly had no idea if I would have a place to live. Also no furniture since I was not allowed to buy anything major LOL it sucked. All along though I got to watch my house being built.
At first I had Sam as the Construction Manager. Then all of a sudden they said I had Miguel.  Turned out to be the best thing ever.  Miguel was amazing. He let me come over to look a lot, and without my even asking he gave me some nice free upgrades. Simple ones, but nice.  The one thing I was so excited about was my landscaping. I was so curious about what I would be getting.  Finally they planted and I was so happy.  So November finally rolled around, and I got the gold status on my home loan!!! It was all mine :)
We got to move in November 14th. I got to buy my furniture, and oh my goodness I had to put it all together.  Everything in my home, I put together myself LOL. I thought I had a lot of stuff, but since house so big inside, I figured out I have very little. It still echoes on the inside.  I am working on it, slowly, but hey I have a lifetime to get it all together.  Still waiting on fence approval so I can get backyard to what I dream it to be.
I also want to get a dog for companionship and protection. Still trying to decide what type of dog.  Never knew it was so hard to get a dog. So 2018 is going to be dedicated to getting my house feeling like a home.