Devastated

 

          I am devastated and brokenhearted. My friend of 25 years committed suicide yesterday. I cannot even fathom or process this grief right now. So many emotions. I feel anger at him for doing this, at him being so selfish to take himself away from his wife and kids, furious at him for doing it in a gruesome way that could have been seen by his young children, and not reaching out to anybody. 

          I am so very sad as well. I wish he had reached out to me. I know there was a whole ocean between us, but I could have listened over the phone, hell he was rich enough he could have flown here for me to take care of him for a bit. I am sad for his wife. She is so young and now has to care for her four young children alone. Thankfully she seems to have a great support system in England. I feel for his adult daughter. She was angry at him, but has always been too influenced by her mom to love him. Now she will never have the chance. 

           Finally, I am depressed because he is not here anymore. He has always been in my life since the year 2000. We dated, then were friends, then we were in love, then friends again. No matter how many miles were between us, we still stayed close. He was who I turned to when I was in need. Now he is not there and I don't know how to process that. I don't know if I ever will. Right now I just want to wake up and find out it was all just a bad dream.